Loneliness – Caregiver side

Loneliness – Caregiver side

I’m a bit lonely. It’s interesting that Brian touched on this because I feel it too. Right now I’m working extra hours to make up for doctor visits I take off for. So I’m tired. Then I come home and really want to spend time with Brian. I thought initially we’d watch tv together. 

That’s not reality. Brian actually feels so bad, he prefers to be on his own quite a bit. He’s sleeping on and off. His body hurts. He doesn’t have the energy for conversation. He is looking to get rid of the dogs for a bit. The only way that happens is if I sit in the living room with them. 

So I spend a lot of time alone. 

I don’t want to leave or go work out because Brian needs things and is honestly too weak certain days to make his dinner. Get more water. Medicine. Every day a new symptom creeps up and needs to be addressed. 

So I’m sitting in the living room on call. Brian does not want this. I don’t want this. But it’s reality. Maybe if he wasn’t watching this awful Dr. Who marathon since Christmas (please make it stop), I would sit in there a bit more. But while it’s lonely for us both, healing is a solo journey. I go to a few appointments. He’s the one driving back and forth to Dallas five days a week. He’s the one with bruised arms and hands from weekly blood draws and chemotherapy. 

 I have no idea when this will end. Is Brian going to start feeling better after six weeks of treatment, when he’s down to one lung and a burnt bronchial tube? If we don’t know the answer, and we don’t, then there is no timeline on his health. Or our isolation. 

We’re kinda on quarantine. No one can come over. I’m a bit manic about staying healthy, switching my clothes and washing hands before I even go near him when I get home. Making sure Ella does the same when school starts again.

If you’re sick, don’t even call me. 

On that note, I prefer to not talk much to friends or coworkers. I don’t want to keep talking about cancer, and I have nothing else going on. Sometimes I do need to talk about cancer. But I do it on my own schedule, and appreciate people who treat me like normal. Some people, when they see me, they have the pity look. The sadness in their eyes. It’s very well intentioned and appreciated, but it reminds me how hard this is.

And I’m not even the patient. 

2 Replies to “Loneliness – Caregiver side”

  1. Oof… I know this feeling well. My escape wasn’t Dr. Who, but 80s comedies on repeat. No other stimuli, just the light sound of human voices on the screen that don’t try to talk to you but remind you that the world still exists. Too much sound, too much thought, too many smells, too much movement…. any of that has the potential to bring an avalanche of queasiness, aches, and negative thoughts. But you WILL get through it. Hang in there.

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