The Predictability of the Unpredictable

The Predictability of the Unpredictable

Concerned he wouldn’t feel well enough to drive home from Dallas, I really, really wanted to tag along today. 

Believe me, I tried to convince Brian that I should there. But the only person more stubborn than me is my husband. He thinks I should save my vacation days for later, if he needs me then. I don’t have FMLA, but the foundation I work for is very considerate  and flexible with our situation. My CEO’s husband had cancer a few years back, so she’s well aware of the unpredictability.

So anyway, I was not invited to his Day ‘O Treatment. Chemotherapy began at 9 and radiation at 4:30. Sounded like a loooong day. Sounded unpredictable. Both therapies in Dallas. Off he went. 

Brian had the idea he would have four hours in between appointments, so he’d just drive home for awhile. Sounded doubtful to me, but it’s not my rodeo.

Yeah, his plans did not come to fruition. 

The unpredictability of treatment, it’s the only thing you can count on. Whether it be changing appointment times, how medications are administered or how Brian reacts to each med. We have no idea what’s coming.

So I need to loosen up. Go with the flow. But what exactly is the flow of your sick loved one? Are you in the mood to relax? It feels urgent to me. It feels pressing. But I am trying my best to be laid back. 

And I hate it. This aspect makes me uncomfortable. I want a predictable schedule. That’s where I do my best work. I want to prepare, research, just know what the hell I’m doing to take care of my husband. I want to be assured that this course of treatment will work. 

But all of these certainties/answers are luxuries I will have to live without.

While it was a very long day and he never made it home for a break, Brian was home around 7:00. Obviously fatigued, he made it through fine, and I’m sure he’s expounded on some of those experiences on his side of the site. 

I will probably always worry more than necessary. Honestly I hope that’s the case. That Brian responds well to treatment and we do what’s scheduled and need nothing more. How lovely that would be. 

But one of the reasons chemo took so long today was because he didn’t respond well to one of the meds. 

You learn so much about an unfamiliar topic when confronted. I had no idea cancer patients receive an intravenous mix of Benadryl and anti-nausea meds prior to the actual chemo meds. So when Brian began to feel not so good a little while after the actual chemotherapy began, they backtracked to more intravenous Benadryl; when chemo began again, they slowed down the drip. 

Maybe I should slow down too.

One Reply to “The Predictability of the Unpredictable”

  1. I’m sorry you are going through this. I heard the news from Lucinda a few weeks ago. Thank you for letting us get updates on your journey. Hugs and love to you as you navigate this valley! You will prevail!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: